By Kathryn Arbic, RMT
Registered Massage Therapist | ART® Certified Provider
Doctor of Veterinary Medicine (DVM)
Master of Arts in Counselling Psychology — Candidate, Yorkville University
In a previous article, The Value of the In-Between, we explored the space between recognizing an experience and deciding what to do about it.
It's the moment when we notice disappointment, frustration, sadness, or uncertainty, and before we immediately move into fixing, explaining, or changing the experience, we allow ourselves to pause.
But knowing that this space has value and knowing how to inhabit it are two different things.
When we're accustomed to problem-solving, slowing down can feel unfamiliar. We may not know what to do with ourselves when we aren't actively looking for an answer. We might become impatient, uncomfortable, or concerned that we're dwelling on something unnecessarily.
So how do we begin to stay with an experience rather than immediately trying to resolve it?
And how do we do this in a way that feels supportive rather than overwhelming?
Start by noticing the urge to fix
The first step isn't necessarily to change what you're doing. It's to notice what you're already doing.
Perhaps you receive disappointing news and immediately begin planning your next move. Maybe you notice sadness arising and start reminding yourself why you should be grateful. Perhaps uncertainty prompts you to analyze every possible outcome until you feel you have some control over what happens next.
See if you can recognize that moment.
You don't need to criticize yourself for wanting to find a solution. Problem-solving may be a familiar and effective way of navigating difficult situations. It may have served you well in many areas of your life.
Simply notice the impulse.
I'm already trying to figure this out.
I'm looking for a way to make this feeling go away.
I'm telling myself why I shouldn't be upset.
That awareness creates an opportunity for choice. You can still solve the problem, make a decision, or reconsider your perspective. You are simply giving yourself the option of pausing before you do.
Sometimes, recognizing the urge to move away from an experience is enough to help you approach it a little differently.
Bring your attention to what is happening now
When we encounter something difficult, our attention often moves quickly into the past or the future.
We replay what happened, consider what we could have done differently, imagine what might happen next, or try to predict how the situation will unfold.
These thoughts can be useful, but they can also pull us away from noticing our present experience.
If it feels comfortable, take a moment to notice what is happening right now.
What emotions are present?
What thoughts are passing through your mind?
What do you notice in your body?
You might notice tension in your shoulders, a heaviness in your chest, a restless feeling in your stomach, or an urge to move, withdraw, or distract yourself. You might notice very little physically, and that's okay, too.
There is no particular sensation you need to find.
The intention isn't to search your body for evidence of an emotion or to force yourself to feel something more intensely. It's simply to become curious about your experience as it is.
You might even find it helpful to describe what you notice without immediately interpreting it.
Instead of I'm anxious because I don't know what to do, you might begin with I'm noticing a sense of uneasiness, and my thoughts keep returning to what might happen next.
The second description leaves more room for curiosity. It acknowledges your experience without requiring you to explain it or decide what it means.
You are practising noticing before interpreting.
Allow the experience to exist
This can be the hardest part.
When an uncomfortable emotion arises, we often feel an immediate pull to change it. We want to feel calmer, think more positively, find reassurance, or reach a point where the situation makes sense.
Instead, consider what it might be like to allow the emotion to be present without making its disappearance the goal.
You might quietly acknowledge:
I'm disappointed.
I'm sad about how this turned out.
I'm uncertain about what happens next.
This is harder than I expected.
You don't need to add an explanation or follow the acknowledgment with a plan.
You don't need to convince yourself that the feeling is reasonable. You don't need to find a lesson in it. And you don't need to reassure yourself that everything will be fine.
For this moment, you are simply recognizing what is true about your experience.
Allowing an emotion to exist doesn't mean agreeing with every thought that accompanies it. It doesn't mean that your interpretation of a situation is necessarily accurate or that your feelings determine what you should do.
It means acknowledging the emotional experience without immediately treating it as something that needs to be corrected.
You can be disappointed without concluding that everything has gone wrong.
You can feel afraid without deciding that something bad will happen.
You can feel uncertain without demanding an immediate answer.
A feeling can be acknowledged without being obeyed, explained away, or made to disappear.
And sometimes, that simple distinction gives us a little more room to breathe.
Get curious rather than looking for an answer
Our minds are often very good at asking questions that lead directly to problem-solving.
What should I do?
How can I fix this?
What do I need to change?
These questions have their place. But when we ask them too quickly, we can miss the opportunity to understand our experience more fully.
What if, for a moment, we asked different questions?
What is it like to feel this way?
What feels particularly difficult about this experience?
What mattered to me here?
What am I finding hard to accept?
Is there something I haven't given myself permission to acknowledge?
These questions aren't intended to uncover a hidden truth or produce a particular emotional breakthrough. They are invitations to become more familiar with your own experience.
You might discover that your frustration is accompanied by sadness. That beneath your anxiety is a sense of disappointment. That what initially seemed like anger is connected to a boundary you didn't realize had been crossed.
Or you might discover nothing new at all.
You might simply confirm that something is difficult, that you wish it had been different, or that you don't yet know how you feel about it.
That is enough.
Curiosity doesn't require a conclusion. It allows us to remain open to what we might discover without deciding in advance what the experience should mean.
Give yourself permission not to know
One of the reasons we rush into problem-solving is that uncertainty can be uncomfortable.
We want to know what happened, why it happened, what it means, and what we should do next. We want to feel confident that we are making the right decision and moving in the right direction.
But sometimes, we don't have enough information to know what comes next. Sometimes, we need time to understand how we feel before we can make a decision that reflects what matters to us.
And sometimes, there simply isn't a solution that removes all the discomfort.
In these moments, the invitation is to allow yourself to be in a place of not knowing.
You don't have to decide whether you've accepted a situation. You don't have to know whether your disappointment will pass quickly or linger for a while. You don't have to figure out what the experience has taught you.
You can acknowledge that you are still working through it.
This isn't the same as giving up or refusing to take responsibility for your circumstances. It is recognizing that understanding, acceptance, and decision-making sometimes require time.
You can trust yourself to return to the practical questions when you're ready.
For now, you can allow the questions to remain unanswered.
Let the body be part of the experience
We often approach difficult experiences primarily through thinking. We analyze what happened, develop explanations, and try to find a perspective that makes the situation easier to manage.
But our experiences aren't exclusively intellectual. We also encounter them through physical sensations, changes in energy, impulses, and shifts in how we feel in our bodies.
Bringing gentle attention to these sensations can offer another way of relating to an experience.
You might notice that your shoulders are raised, your breathing has changed, or you feel an urge to pace, curl up, or turn away. Rather than immediately trying to change these sensations, you could simply acknowledge them.
If it feels comfortable, you might ask yourself:
What do I notice when I think about this situation?
Can I stay curious about this sensation without needing it to change?
Would it feel supportive to move, stretch, rest, or simply notice my surroundings?
There is no need to force yourself to focus inward if doing so feels uncomfortable. Sometimes, connecting with the environment around you, feeling your feet on the floor, or taking a gentle walk can provide a more supportive starting point.
The goal isn't to achieve a particular physical state or to make your nervous system behave in a certain way.
It is to become more aware of your experience and to develop a greater sense of choice in how you respond.
Sometimes, that means remaining with a sensation for a few moments. Sometimes, it means recognizing that you need movement, connection, or a change of focus.
Listening to your body includes respecting its limits.
Know when to stay and when to step away
Making space for emotions doesn't mean forcing yourself to remain with something that feels overwhelming.
There is a difference between allowing an uncomfortable emotion to be present and becoming so absorbed in an experience that you feel unable to step back from it.
If you notice that you are becoming increasingly distressed, caught in repetitive thoughts, or struggling to stay connected to the present, it may be helpful to shift your attention outward, move around, talk to someone you trust, or seek professional support.
You can also return to an experience gradually, when you feel more resourced.
The purpose of this practice isn't to endure discomfort for its own sake. It is to develop a more flexible relationship with your experiences, one in which you can acknowledge what is happening without automatically avoiding it or becoming consumed by it.
Sometimes, staying with an experience means giving it your attention.
Sometimes, it means recognizing that you have given it enough attention for now.
Both responses can be appropriate.
Allow action to come after acknowledgment
Eventually, you may find that you are ready to consider what comes next.
Perhaps you recognize that you need to have a difficult conversation, change a boundary, make a decision, or take a practical step toward resolving a problem.
Perhaps you realize that nothing needs to be done immediately.
Or perhaps you are still uncertain, but you have a clearer sense of what matters to you.
The intention isn't to separate feeling from action. It is to make room for both.
When we acknowledge our emotional experience before moving into problem-solving, we may have a fuller understanding of what we are responding to. We can consider practical options while also recognizing the emotional significance of the situation.
We can make a decision and still allow ourselves to feel sad about it.
We can take steps toward a new goal while acknowledging the disappointment of what didn't happen.
We can recognize that something needs to change without expecting ourselves to feel completely ready.
There is room for the practical and the emotional to exist together.
And we don't need to finish processing an experience before we are allowed to move forward.
A small practice for everyday life
The next time you notice something difficult arising, consider giving yourself a brief pause before trying to resolve it.
You don't need to set aside an hour or create a formal practice. A minute or two may be enough to begin.
Notice. Recognize what has happened and the urge to explain, fix, or move past it.
Acknowledge. Name what you are experiencing, even if you aren't entirely sure what it is.
Allow. Give the experience a little room to exist without requiring it to change.
Get curious. If it feels helpful, notice what the experience brings up for you, including any emotions, thoughts, or physical sensations.
Choose. Consider what you need next. It might be action, rest, connection, more time, or simply a return to whatever you were doing.
There is no requirement to move through these steps in order, and you don't need to do them perfectly. The practice is simply about creating a little more space between experiencing something and automatically reacting to it.
Over time, you may begin to recognize that you have more options than immediately fixing a problem or trying to make an uncomfortable feeling disappear.
Sometimes, you can pause, acknowledge what is happening, and then decide what comes next.
There is no need to rush yourself through being human
We will all have moments when we move too quickly, avoid something uncomfortable, or try to reason our way out of a feeling.
That is part of being human, too.
The invitation isn't to become someone who processes every emotion perfectly. It is to become a little more familiar with your own experience, a little more willing to acknowledge what matters to you, and a little less likely to assume that every uncomfortable feeling needs an immediate solution.
You don't have to turn every disappointment into a lesson. You don't have to find gratitude in every loss. You don't have to know what an experience means before you are allowed to feel it.
Sometimes, you can simply recognize that something mattered, that it affected you, and that you need a little time with it.
You can give yourself that time without abandoning your responsibilities, losing sight of your goals, or giving up on the possibility of things changing.
You can feel what you feel and still move forward.
The in-between isn't somewhere you have to stay forever. It's a space you can learn to visit, giving yourself the opportunity to acknowledge your experience before deciding what comes next.
And sometimes, that small pause is enough to change the way you meet yourself.
Start with the bigger picture
Why do we so often rush to fix what we feel? And what might we miss when we move straight from recognizing a problem to finding a solution?
Read The Value of the In-Between: Why We Don't Always Need to Fix What We Feel to explore the importance of acknowledging our emotional experiences before deciding what comes next.
© 2026 Kathryn Arbic / Callisto Therapeutics. All rights reserved. Ottawa-Carleton Place, Ontario, Canada.
