When Competence Becomes Camouflage
By Kathryn Arbic, RMT
Registered Massage Therapist | ART® Certified Provider
Doctor of Veterinary Medicine (DVM)
Master of Arts in Counselling Psychology — Candidate, Yorkville University
When being capable becomes so automatic that no one—including you—realizes how much you're carrying.
Some of the people who appear to be coping the best are actually carrying the most.
They show up. They get things done. They are dependable, successful and responsible. They take care of their families, their businesses, their teams, their homes and the people around them. They are often the person everyone calls when something goes wrong.
From the outside, they look capable. Sometimes, they look like they have it all together.
But competence can become camouflage.
Being capable is not a problem. Responsibility, resilience and the ability to keep moving through difficult circumstances are valuable qualities. The question is what happens when being capable becomes the only way we know how to be.
When coping becomes part of who we are
Many of us learn that being responsible, productive or useful brings a sense of safety, approval or belonging. We become good at anticipating what other people need. We learn to push through fatigue, postpone our own needs and keep going because there is always something else that needs to be done.
Over time, the strategy that helped us cope can become part of our identity.
We become the strong one, the reliable one, the person who can handle it. We tell ourselves we'll rest when things settle down.
But what if things never really settle down?
Work is followed by family responsibilities. Family responsibilities are followed by household responsibilities, relationships, appointments, exercise, caregiving, studying or running a business. There may be very little space left where you are simply yourself, without a role to perform or someone depending on you.
Functioning is not the same as wellbeing
One of the difficulties with chronic stress is that we can become remarkably good at functioning while we’re not actually doing well.
We can be productive while exhausted, successful while lonely, generous while depleted and responsible while overwhelmed. There may be no dramatic breakdown that tells everyone something is wrong. Instead, life gradually becomes narrower: less time to recover, less curiosity, less connection, and more pushing through.
Sometimes we don't even recognize the discrepancy ourselves.
You can be functioning beautifully and still not be well.
The body is part of the story
The mind and body are not separate systems operating independently of one another. Our experiences can influence the nervous system, sleep, hormones, immune function, behaviour, movement and the way we perceive sensations in our bodies. Chronic stress is also associated with physiological changes that accumulate over time, often discussed through the concept of allostatic load.
This does not mean that every pain, illness or physical symptom is caused by stress. Bodies are complex, and health is influenced by genetics, environment, injury, infection, sleep, nutrition, movement, social circumstances and many other factors.
But it does mean that our lived experience matters.
This is part of what makes Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score so influential. His work explores how overwhelming experiences can affect regulation, perception, relationships and our experience of being in our bodies. Gabor Maté's When the Body Says No similarly explores the relationship between chronic stress, emotional patterns and physical health.
Neither perspective suggests that illness is simply something we create through our emotions. Rather, they invite us to consider the body as part of the larger story of our lives.
Instead of asking only, “What is wrong with my body?” we might also become curious about:
“What has my body been adapting to?”
Sometimes the body whispers first
The body doesn’t always say no suddenly. Sometimes it whispers for years while we become increasingly skilled at not listening.
A clenched jaw, shoulders that rarely seem to drop, difficulty taking a full breath, disrupted sleep, digestive changes, headaches, persistent tension or feeling exhausted but unable to relax can have many explanations. None of them automatically means that stress is the cause.
But they can be invitations to become curious.
What demands are you living under? How well are you recovering? What happens when you finally slow down? Do you notice your needs before you become completely depleted? Where in your life do you feel supported, and where are you constantly holding everything together?
These questions aren't about blaming ourselves for our symptoms. They are about becoming more aware of the relationship between the life we are living and the body we are living it in.
The cost of always being the capable one
There is a particular kind of loneliness that can come with being highly competent. People may assume you're okay because you continue to function. They may not realize how much effort it takes—and sometimes neither do you.
You can become so accustomed to carrying everything that the weight starts to feel normal. You may even receive praise for the very qualities that are exhausting you: You're so dependable. You're so strong. You always get it done.
All of those things may be true.
But strength without recovery eventually becomes strain.
The answer isn't necessarily to abandon your responsibilities, become less ambitious or stop caring about the people around you. It may be to develop another skill alongside competence: the ability to notice yourself.
To recognize when you're tired before you're exhausted. To allow yourself to need something. To make room for recovery before your body demands it. To have relationships where you don't always have to be the strong one.
And perhaps, occasionally, to have a place where you don't have to perform any role at all.
Coming back to yourself
Becoming more aware of your body does not mean that every physical sensation has a hidden psychological meaning. It means becoming curious about the whole picture.
Our bodies are constantly responding to the lives we are living. They are affected by movement, sleep, relationships, environment, stress, emotions, illness and recovery. Paying attention to those signals can be one part of understanding ourselves more fully.
Perhaps the goal isn't to learn how to carry more.
Perhaps it is to notice when you are carrying too much—and give yourself permission to put something down.
Sometimes the body whispers for years while we become increasingly skilled at not listening.
Learning to listen doesn't mean that we have failed. It may simply mean that we are finally giving ourselves the same attention we have been giving everyone else.
Further reading
Bessel van der Kolk — The Body Keeps the Score
Explores the effects of trauma and overwhelming experiences on the brain, body, regulation and relationships. Bessel van der Kolk's book and resources
Gabor Maté — When the Body Says No
Explores connections between chronic stress, emotional experience and physical health, while raising important questions about how we understand illness and the whole person. Gabor Maté's book
Allostatic load research
Provides a scientific framework for understanding the cumulative physiological effects of repeated stress and adaptation. Research on allostatic load
This article is educational and is not intended to diagnose or explain the cause of any individual's symptoms or illness. Physical symptoms should be appropriately assessed by a qualified healthcare professional.
© 2026 Kathryn Arbic / Callisto Therapeutics. All rights reserved. Ottawa-Carleton Place, Ontario, Canada.
